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The Tucker Max Stories

The Tucker Max Drunk Scale

When describing how drunk I get, I use my own scale that my friends and I devised:

“Buzzed” is after a few beers, when I can feel the alcohol affecting me, but I think I can still drive reasonably well. My brain generally works like normal, though perhaps a little slow.

“Inebriated” is when I start feeling good, but I know my ability to drive is impaired, and so I give the keys away. I begin to doubt my ability to make good judgments. I am usually a much nicer person at this stage of drunkenness, though this changes quickly.

“Drunk” is when I start feeling overly confident about myself and all of my abilities, I argue about who drives, but eventually give the keys up anyway. Other people begin to seem much funnier and more interesting. This is also when the ability to socialize in an appropriate manner starts breaking down.

“Fucked-in-half” (aka “Shit-housed”) is when I believe that my abilities have become nearly superhuman, that I am the best looking man in my geographical area, and that that hunchback girl over by the bar is really hot too. As far as I am concerned, there is no road, policeman, or possibly even army, that can contain me. It is at this point that I cannot differentiate between an appropriate comment and an inappropriate one, so I just say whatever I feel like.

“Tucker Max” is the ultimate drunk stage. Never mind about operating heavy machinery; I have trouble figuring out door knobs. The only benefit is that I don’t have to worry about driving because I can’t even find my keys. Any of several things can happen at Tucker Max Drunk. I can:

  • black out
  • hook up with ugly or fat girls
  • fail to hook up with hot girls because I pass out on them
  • vomit uncontrollably
  • make loud, boisterous, and thoroughly untruthful claims about my achievements
  • commit myself to large and utterly hopeless wagers that I have no way of covering
  • claim to be an renowned expert on things I could not begin to explain when sober
  • start fights with small, defenseless people
  • break things
  • become very angry with inanimate objects, and loudly curse them
  • say anything, no matter how offensive or mean, to anyone, no matter how helpless or undeserving
  • wake up somewhere that I have never seen before, and do not recognize
  • have long and involved conversations over important topics that I have no recollection of the next day

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