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“I never understand why women think drama and bullshit are attractive to guys. They’re not. I’m going to be real clear about this, ladies, so pay attention: Prince Charming doesn’t come to rescue cunty lunatics.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
Tucker: “Things always work out for me because I do whatever I want without worrying about the consequences.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
Tucker “Look, I’m not trying to judge you about it. I’m slutty sometimes too. And personally, I like sluts; they’re the most fun. But if you act like a slut, you should be ready for some guys to call you a slut.”
Velma “I’m not a slut!”
Tucker “You’re not a slut? Really? If you told your dad how many dicks have been in your mouth, what would he say?”
Obliterated. Verbal headshot, through the scope and out the brain, Carlos Hathcock style.
—from Hilarity Ensues
Tucker: “I know this really sexy move you can do with your mouth. It’s called ‘shutting the fuck up.’”
—from Hilarity Ensues
“Halloween revolves around delicious candy, excessive alcohol, and horny women dressed as sluts. This also describes my vision of Heaven.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
Tucker “Come over here and tell me about your sexy outfit.”
Girl “You can’t hit on me, you don’t even have a costume on. That’s lame.”
Tucker “Well now . . . I’d call you a cunt, but I don’t think you have the warmth or the depth.”
Girl “You can’t just say the c-word to me! You need to apologize!”
Tucker “OK, I’m sorry that you’re such a cunt.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
Girl “So, do you have a girlfriend?”
SlingBlade “Well, sort of, but we’re not technically dating.”
Girl “So you aren’t in love with her?”
SlingBlade “No. They say if you love someone, set them free, so I did. But that girl never came back, so I don’t love the girls tied up in my basement anymore, I just appreciate them.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
“I’m Tucker Max. Nothing is ever my fault, not even the things I do wrong.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
SlingBlade: “I decide to walk up to random girls with a pen in my hand and ask them what their street address is. We have no takers.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
SlingBlade: “I start talking trash to Megan’s female friend from work. I forget most of it, but a large portion had to do with my preference for little girls and her poor personal hygiene. The clincher was when she told me she had a Great Dane. I told her when I see a girl walking a large dog, I just assume she’s having sex with it. She was so mortified she left the party, only an hour after she got there.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
Chelsea “Tucker, you have GOT to do something about Hate. He broke my Pottery Barn table!”
Tucker “I don’t understand why people say alcohol is a depressant. That’s not really how it works for us.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
“You know that saying, ‘no matter how hot she is, someone somewhere is sick of her shit?’ This was the type of girl that had a lot of someones in a lot of somewheres.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
“Let me tell you something: There is nothing more disturbing than a pile of shit where it doesn’t belong.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
Girl “I don’t get what your costume is.”
Tucker “I’m a magician.”
Girl “You aren’t really dressed up as one.”
Tucker “Well, I only have one magic trick. I drink 15 beers and talk about myself a lot.”
Girl “That’s not magic!”
Tucker “Then how else do I wake up next to girls I don’t remember meeting?”
—from Hilarity Ensues
Tucker “Now now, don’t cry—it’ll be OK. My penis will solve all your problems.”
Monkey “Fuck you and [to D-Rock] fuck you and fuck your terrible jokes!! I hope you die!”
Tucker “I must be reading you all wrong—are you saying that you don’t want to hook up?”
D-Rock “Tucker, the only way she’s gonna give you any pussy is if you adopt her cat.”
Monkey “You are the most disgusting and vile thing I’ve ever met! I wouldn’t touch you with a ten-foot pole!!”
Tucker “It’s a shame that you don’t feel the same way about carbs.”
The fat joke lost her friends. Hit too close to home, I guess. Gluten addiction—the silent cock-blocker.
—from Hilarity Ensues
Pirate “You aren’t going to get too drunk to fuck, are you?”
Tucker “Don’t you worry about me—I don’t get drunk, I get awesome.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
FatBitch “I’m not fat!”
Tucker “Are you kidding? Your back fat could have its own bra! Look at yourself—you look like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup!”
—from Hilarity Ensues
But she wouldn’t stop annoying me and complaining. I told her to shut up and go to sleep. She decided she didn’t want to. I laid her options out: comply or leave. She seemed to think there were other options for her, even though I distinctly listed only two. So I solved that problem: I took all of her shit and threw it out in the hallway. Clothes, purse, shoes, everything.
Tucker “You can be an annoying bitch if you want, but not around me.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
“There is a girl lying next to me on the bed, shaking me, saying something. She is not happy. She is also not skinny. Or attractive. She may not even be human.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
“I can’t transcribe the cop’s entire lecture. There is only so much room in a book. The cop screamed at me for at least ten minutes. It was like Bobby Knight coaching a team on the And One street ball tour.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
“I am afraid of riding on motorcycles and angry Persian women holding knives, but when it comes to rejection, I’m fresh out of fucks to give.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
Tucker “You know you want to hook up with me; just admit it.”
Girl “I don’t want to just have a one night stand with some random guy I met an hour ago.”
Tucker “I don’t consider them one night stands. They’re auditions for love.”
Girl “If you want to have sex with me, we have to already be in love.”
Tucker “No, that’s not how it works. You provide vaginal access, and in return, I model the awful treatment that your abusive childhood has caused you to interpret as love. That’s how it works with fucked up girls.”
Girl “I’m not fucked up!”
PWJ “THAT’S how you do it! Now it all makes total sense!”
Tucker “You haven’t figured out how that works yet?”
PWJ “Sorry, I wasn’t raised in an emotionally abusive household. My parents loved me.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
Stripper “How’d you like some company?”
SlingBlade “I think if you were reduced to your constituent elements, you’d be nothing more than jizz and glitter.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
Stripper “How does that make any sense?”
SlingBlade “Whatever. Logical consistency is for stupid sluts who dance on tables.”
Stripper “I’m not a slut or a whore.”
SlingBlade “You may be the whoringest whore who’s ever whored.”
Stripper [to me] “Um, your friend is kind of a piece of shit.”
SlingBlade “Look at yourself. I bet your stepdad won’t even fuck you anymore.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
Tucker “Why don’t they want to have sex with us?”
PWJ “Tucker, we didn’t even pretend we had any interest in them as human beings. Maybe that’s why.”
Tucker “Does that kind of stuff matter?”
PWJ “Well, yes Tucker, that ‘stuff’ matters.”
Tucker “I don’t like that stuff!”
—from Hilarity Ensues
“As the case can be with a really slutty girl, there was something attractive about the way she handled herself. Her smile, her attitude, her . . . alright, I need to shut the fuck up. I wish I could justify my desire to fuck her as something other than a base, carnal urge. It wasn’t. The truth is, sometimes I can be a pathetic hump donkey, and this was one of those times.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
Girl “I knew you wouldn’t have anything to say, I know guys like you.”
SlingBlade “I’m curious—the abortion where your soul should be: Is it filled with human excrement or dog excrement?”
—from Hilarity Ensues
HotWaitress “I think your friend here is a Muppet. He has no body hair, no sex drive, and he’s always making snide comments.”
SlingBlade “Bitch please. I’ve stepped over better looking girls than you trying to find a quiet place to masturbate.”
HotWaitress “You can masturbate now? Is your mom proud that you’re finally able to maintain an erection?”
SlingBlade “I’m going to take a steaming dump in your vagina.”
HotWaitress “I guess that’s what I would do if I was mad I couldn’t stay hard.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
Stripper “Well, that’s your opinion, and you know opinions are like ass- holes, right? Everyone’s got one.”
Tucker “Opinions are NOT like assholes. You can’t shove your dick in an opinion.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
“We stumbled back to my place and sloppily hooked up. I immediately understood why this girl was dressed in a costume that allowed her to hide her midsection. Her face, arms and legs were totally normal, the same as any girl—but her torso was huge. It was ridiculous and made no sense, like someone had glued four broomsticks on a keg. How does that even work, physiologically? Mr. Potato Head is more proportional than this girl.”
—from Hilarity Ensues
March 5th, 2012
February 21st, 2012
February 7th, 2012