People are always emailing me asking all kinds of personal questions, so I figured I'd answer as many as I could here.

Height: 6'0"

Weight: 190lbs

Measurements: I'm a fucking guy. Do you think I know my measurements?

Ethnic Background: Aren't we all supposed to be getting along?

Current Place of Residence: New York City, NY

High School: Blair Academy. I went there for my last two years of high school.

College: The University of Chicago. Can you believe the irony? The school where fun goes to die produced one of the premier partiers of this generation. And I still graduated in three years with honors.

Graduate School: I have a JD from Duke Law School. Duke even gave me a large academic scholarship. Fate, it seems, has a sense of humor.

Occupation: My mom told me when I grew up I could be anything I wanted. So I became an asshole.

Marital Status: Single. As if that's not completely obvious.

Siblings: None. That should be obvious also.

Life Goals: To be a celebrity that gets paid to get drunk, act like an asshole, and get drunk some more.

Favorite Food: Free food.

Favorite Drink: Red Bull and vodka. It seems like every time I drink Red Bull and vodka, my night slowly decays into a hyperactive pink mist, and I wake up in jail without my shoe laces again. But for some reason, this never prevents me from returning to my prodigal mistress.

Least Favorite Drink: Mescal. The one time I had mescal, I "overdid it," and woke up in Vegas three days later married to a fat Puerto Rican stripper. You wouldn't be laughing if it happened to you.

Favorite Hobbies: I like to fart in the bathtub and turn around and bite the bubbles.

Favorite Practical Joke: Sometimes I'll go down to the dog pound and pretend that I found my dog. Then I tell them to kill him anyway, because I already gave away all his stuff. Dog people don't have a very good sense of humor.

Favorite Indoor Activity: Drinking. I find that when I drink I become incredibly charming. I do things like yell obscenities at random people, vomit everywhere and break things that don't belong to me.

Favorite Outdoor Activity: Drinking, again. When I get drunk outside, in addition to being abusive and destructive, my charm extends to urinating in inappropriate places, running around with my clothes off and passing out in public parks.

Favorite Sexual Position: Me drunk and her paying.

Favorite Website: Mine.

Favorite TV Show: The Iron Chef. That show is so unintentionally funny. Actually, right now I'd have to with The Shield. I defy anyone to name a better show right now--and it's NOT The Sopranos.

Favorite TV Character: What's the name of that thing on Nickelodeon, SploogeBob FunPants? Yeah, like that's not the manifestation of someone's mescaline induced homoerotic dream.

Favorite Movie: The one I did with those girls I met in Cancun, when they...oh, you mean like a commercial movie? Hmm...I don't know.

Favorite Pick-up Line: "Grunt big for daddy."

Favorite Saying: "Why are you still here?"

Favorite Word(s): Open Bar

Favorite Holiday: I've always been partial to Canadian Independence Day, because it seems like such a ridiculous holiday to me. Don't they know they exist at our whim?

Favorite Pro Athlete: Has to be Ron Artest. That guy is fucking crazy. My favorite Ron Artest story is how he tried to get a job at Circuit City because he was buying so much stuff there he figured he might as well get a job for the employee discount.

Favorite Celebrity: Sirhan-Sirhan. He was the original one name celebrity.

Favorite Music Video: All Your Base Are Belong To Us. I used to sit at home and listen to this thing all day on my computer. Don't judge me.

Favorite Non-Fiction Book: I love to read. I could go with The Autobiography of Malcolm X, which I read in seventh grade, and totally changed my life. Or perhaps Sperm Wars, by Robin Baker. It's a real book, about human sexual behavior, I'm not making the title up. Completely changed how I approached women. Or of course, there's History of the Peloponnesian War, by Thucydides, one of the definitive texts of the Western Canon. Alright, I'll stop now, I'm getting too intellectual for this retarded site.

Favorite Fiction Book: As far as fiction goes, it is hard to beat Confederacy of Dunces, by John Kennedy Toole. In fact, I challenge anyone to name a funnier, better written work of fiction. Name me a better one, and I'll buy you a beer if you are ever in Chicago. Seriously (And just to preface your stupid suggestions--Catch 22, Catcher in the Rye, Hitchhikers Guide, and anything by Tom Robbins are all INFERIOR to COD).

Favorite Children's Book: Everybody Poops is a classic, of course. Or my new favorite, That's It, You're Going Up For Adoption, is good too. It's a little dark.

Favorite Smurf: I hate those cock-smoking, hob-nobbling fucking Smurfs. That was such a pinko commie show: They all live in a collective, everyone works as much or as little as they choose, everyone is considered equal no matter what they contribute, there is no private ownership of property, there is no money, there is no sex, and their enemy is a big evil white guy who tries to catch them and turn them into gold. And come on, who doesn't realize that Papa Smurf is nothing but an idealized Lenin. Don't get me started. The show even started in Sweden. I actually wrote an essay in college about how that show was nothing but a thinly-veiled utopian socialist propaganda device. I got an A. I'm smart.

Favorite Number: Considering that I am a heavy believer in numerology, that is a tough question. There are so many possibilities. I'll call my psychic, ask her, and get back to you. And I'll do both of those things right after I shove a fork directly into my eye.

Favorite Color: This can't seriously be a question.

Favorite Month: This is starting to get stupid.

Turn-ons: Hot women, cute women, attractive women, willing women, aggressive women, funny women, successful women, women with huge fake breasts, In-n-Out and Chick-Fil-A (Those are fast food chains, not some derogatory terms for a woman).

Turn-offs: Ugly women, excessively fat women, women who snort when eating, stupid people, anything Marxist, and Duke Basketball fans.

Scariest Experience: In South Beach, I once saw RuPaul out of drag. It blew my fucking mind. Or perhaps that time when some random North Carolina rednecks almost killed us. Or there was that time in Georgia when I woke up butt-naked and dead in a kiddie pool full of ice, with a thermometer stuck in my ass. But we'll not talk about that.