All the Personal Information you could ever want to know about Tucker Max.

Below is a list of real questions that people have asked me. Please read this before you email me with your particular stupid question:

How did your website come about?
The page originally started as the The Tucker Max Date Application Page, which has it's genesis in a bet.

What is your job? Do you actually work as a lawyer?
You see those ads to the top and right? Do you think that I just put those up for free? I get paid a pretty good amount for them. I work full time on this site and assorted other things, including some TV and movie projects, Rudius Media, and a few other projects I have not disclosed yet. And of course I don't work as a lawyer, I don't hate myself.

Is "Tucker Max" your real name?
Yes. I'm surprised you haven't heard of me. I've only written a NY Times Best Seller.

Are all these stories true?
Yes, they are all true. I do not write fiction, and I do not make anything up. Good or bad, this is my life.

Did you write all these stories yourself?
I can even go potty myself!! Yes, unless it is specifically attributed to someone else, I wrote it myself. I mean honestly, how could I have plagiarized a website about myself? Who the hell would write it? But like all writers, I do not work in a vacuum. I got editing help from my friends DrunkRex, The Bunny, and a few others who understandably do not want to be publicly associated with me.

Fine, you wrote the stories yourself, but are they 100% accurate? They seem a bit far-fetched.
I mean honestly, how could I make this shit up? Most of my stories have many eye-witnesses, in the form of my friends, bystanders, and in some cases the victims of our actions. Beyond that, I honestly don't know what is far-fetched about them. These are not all my stories, just the ones I have posted, and I am not even close to the funniest or craziest of my friends, I am just the guy who wrote it all down. I write stories about going out, getting drunk and having fun. Who doesn't have stories about that? Third, I had an ex-girlfriend FUCKING SUE ME OVER A STORY! You know why? Because I called her out on who she really is. She didn't even sue me for defamation or libel, instead trying to win on other grounds. You know why? BECAUSE EVERY FUCKING WORD OF THE STORY WAS TRUE.

I will say this: These are stories, not the Warren Commission Report, and thus they are not supposed to be forensically accurate accounts. Every single story is as completely true and accurate as I remember it, but in some stories, such as the Absinthe Donuts Story, I have slightly altered timelines or small details so as to avoid jail time or make the narrative flow better, but still: all the seminal facts of the stories are true.

Are you really like this? Are your stories representative of who you really are?
Yes and no. All the stories are true as I remember them, but they are from over 10 years of partying; I am 31 now, and obviously I act differently than I did when I was 21. For example, when I was 24, right after I had done something horrible and didn't even really realize what I had done, my then girlfriend said to me, "Tucker, you'll be great when you're 30." I got mad at first, but then I realized she was absolutely correct; I may be awesome, but I had a lot of maturing to do. Of course, I still dumped her immediately. Who is she to talk to me like that? Now that I am 31, I realize that she was right though. I sucked at 24.

Another thing you have to remember is that this is only a slice of my life. There is much more to me than my stories, but I don't write much about that because I write these to entertain through my stories, not to talk about my life. There is a difference.

Are you single?
Of course I am single. Who the fuck would want to date me? Oh wait, that's right, all those crazy and insecure girls who email me. Sounds great!

Where do you live?
New York City. Chinatown, to be precise.

How do you continually get into the ridiculous situations that you seem to always be getting into?
That's actually a good question, one that I've often asked myself. I've been involved in some fucked up stuff, haven't I? And I haven't even put the really fucked up stuff on this site, like the trip I took to Barcelona with a girl I barely knew, the story of "My Cancer," a girl who moved in with me and refused to leave, etc, etc (That's all going into my next book, Assholes Finish First).

Honestly, I don't think I get into situations that are all that much crazier than those around me. My friends can go story for story with me. I might be a lot more interesting that most people, but that's because most people are boring. Beyond that, I guess its the fact that I get sinfully drunk at inappropriate times, have no regard for the law, no respect for authority, regularly ignore the consequences of my actions, demand that the spotlight of attention be on me at all times, operate outside the bounds of all social norms, and generally just act like an officious, raging asshole. Put that on your resume and then see if you don't get into some predicaments.

How do you do all this shit and not get into fights?
Who says I don't get into fights? Read the Night We Almost Died story. And remember, I don't write about every single thing that happens to me, only the stuff that is funny enough to be a story.

How do you remember all the ridiculous stuff that happens to you when you are out drinking?
Who doesn't remember the things that happen to them? I never understand this question, it's like someone asking me, "How do you keep your head attached to your body?"

I do have a voice recorder, and I use it liberally when I am out drinking. When I say something funny or I want to remember something, I'll talk into it and record the funny things I do or say, so that I can write about them later. Or I call my friends the next day and they fill me in or what I forgot. Or I just fucking remember it, it's not that hard.

Why are you like this, i.e. so arrogant/cocky/egotistical?
When you are great, people often mistake candor for arrogance.

Don't you realize that such brash arrogance is a put-off?
What do you want from me, blood? Of course I realize that, but what am I supposed to do? You can't get mad at a dog for barking and sniffing asses; it's just being a dog, and that's what dogs do. My entire being is defined by my supreme egotism. It's who I am. I didn't pick my temperament; I've been way this since I could talk. From the time I was 2 until I was 5, I talked about myself exclusively in the third person, "Tucker wants cereal for breakfast," "Tucker made a poopy all by himself," etc. What can I say, some people are just born that way.

How did you get this fucked up?
Years of neglect and abuse. Seriously though, I am not that fucked up, I just show the world the worst parts of me. No one would come looking good if they constantly wrote about all the terrible things they had done.

No, seriously, from your site, it seems like you do nothing but get drunk and then act like a pompous jerk. Can you really be this much of an asshole?
Who are you, my mother? Can you not read between the lines? Do you know what a "caricature" is? The "excessive drinking" and "asshole behavior" I portray on this site does have a firm basis in reality, but I also play it up here on purpose. How funny would this site be if I tried to be introspective and meaningful? Not very. And how much of this site would you read if it weren't funny? Not much. If I were the complete alcoholic jerk-off I make myself out to be, I'd probably be a better writer, and I definitely wouldn't make so many jokes about my alleged "problems." Sometimes the most telling information comes from what's not said. I think it was Emerson who wrote something like, "The louder he proclaimed his honor, the faster we counted the spoons." Do I need to draw you a map from there?

What do your parents think about this site?
To be totally honest, I don't really care. I am a grown man and make my own decisions, the opinion my parents hold of me or what I do is not really relevant. That being said, my mom cries a lot when discussing the site and what I do for a living. She is old and a mom, she doesn't understand it at all. My dad is smarter than she is and understands what I do on an intellectual level, but he doesn't really 'get' it. He would rather me take the bar and practice law, but that just isn't going to happen.

I am a girl, totally fucked up, and thus find you irresistibly attractive. Can I hang out with you/have sex with you?
Maybe, fill out the application. I'll need at least 2 pictures (send as email attachments in JPEG or GIF format). If you pass the "Wow" test, and your references check out, then I'll probably meet you. Either that, or just promise me free booze.

If I send you a pic of me, are you going to post it and make fun of me?
Do you see any part of this page where I have posted pics of random girls? Why do you think you would different? I DO NOT post pics that girls send me for one simple reason: I want girls to keep sending me pics. If I posted the pics I was sent, I doubt I would get anymore, so it is most decidedly in my self-interest to not post them.

I love your stuff and am a huge fan. Will you post a link to my website/read my stories/give me money/help me get girls/teach me how to be you, etc, etc?
No. I HATE when people come to me expecting something, yet bring nothing to the table themselves. I don't owe you shit, so don't expect shit from me. If you want to write, start here: Rudius Media

How can I learn how to write like you?
Huh. Yeah right. That's like asking MJ how to play basketball like him. I will give you a place to start, but that's about all I can do: Start here.

Are those really your ex-girlfriends in the pictures?
Yes. I may be a lot of things, but a liar is not one of them. Actually, those are just the ones I happen to have pictures of. There have been others, some even hotter than those--and some not so hot. I'll be honest: I've hooked up with some sea-donkeys in my day. My bottom 10% could have their own display cases at the Ripley's Believe it Or Not museum. Welcome to the dark side of alcohol--I know it all too well.

How do you get girls that hot?
Do you know any women? Have you ever hung out with them? Believe it or not, being an arrogant, obnoxious alpha male has it's privileges. Of course, it also helps when you're funny.

Why do some of the ex-girlfriend pictures look like modeling pictures?
Guess what, asshole--it's because some of them are models, and those are their best pictures. Why would I put up some grainy, shit-ass picture when I have something good to put up?

Why is it that all your ex-girlfriends are the same, i.e. tall, hot blondes with no self-esteem?
Have you ever heard of a fetish? No, seriously, I don't think I have a type; I just happen to have ended up with girls that all look alike. Latin/Hispanic girls turn me on more than any other type, I just haven't happened to date many of them, and the ones I have dated I don't have pictures of them. For instance, I think the two hottest women in Hollywood are Penelope Cruz and Vanessa Marcil. But neither of them will talk to me. You see my problem. Although, Vanessa Marcil married Corey fucking Feldman, so obviously her standards are not that high.

Are looks all you care about?
If you asked this question, it probably means that you are ugly. Please leave. Seriously though, looks are only important to a point; if a girl is attractive, then looks no longer matter, it's all about her personality, intelligence, etc.

What type of women are you into? It seems like you only date dumb girls and psycho's.
It seems like this because I don't write about the normal girls I date. The point of my stories is to write about the weird, incredible and funny things that happen to me; it is not to write about everything in my life. I have dated plenty of great girls in my life and had many good relationships, but those aren't interesting. I don't like dumb and/or crazy women, I just happen to hook-up with them sometimes. Given my choice, I will pick a sweet, intelligent, emotionally mature woman every day of the week.

What do you do all day?
I love it when people think that this is easy. If it is, then by all means, please do it better than I do. Considering that make hundreds of thousands a year and am a star, there should be plenty of incentive.

If you aren't working as a lawyer, why did you get your JD?
I made a fucking mistake going to law school, OK, get off my back. There was a time in my life that I thought I wanted to be a lawyer, but I was terribly mistaken. I didn't know that you had to give up your soul to work in that field.

Should I get my JD? What is your advice for someone thinking about going into law school?
Do you want to waste three years of your life debating stupid and utterly irrelevant minutia? Then yes, get your JD. Do you want to get a degree that allows you work the rest of your life in a tedious, shitty, unrewarding job? Then yes, get your JD. Are you a boring, facile, socially retarded whore, desperate for the illusion of money and success, regardless of the cost to your life and the lives of those you love? Then yes, get your JD. Do you want to squander your existence sitting in a lifeless office, churning out ultimately meaningless paperwork? Then yes, get your JD. Listen to me people: There is a reason that lawyers have the LOWEST job satisfaction of any profession in America. THE JOB SUCKS. It is horrible. If you know any lawyers, ask yourself: Are they happy with their job or their life? 90% of the time, the answer will be no. If the answer to that question is yes, then ask yourself, "Do I like that person." The answer will be almost always be no. The only lawyers who like their jobs are the sketchy ones that are the reason lawyers jokes are so prevalent and popular. Do you want to be that person? If so, then yes, get your fucking JD.

Don't you think your page is very sexist/anti-women/misogynistic?
I've only gotten this question a few times, but it always confuses me. For fucks sake, I originally put up a page dedicated to getting a date; how is that sexist? How in hell does that imply I hate women? I hate a lot of things, (stupid people and Duke basketball, for instance) but nowhere on that list is women. I LOVE women. Now, do I treat women like shit? Yes, sometimes, but I treat EVERYONE like shit, not just women. Sexism is treating one sex differently from the other(s). I treat men and women equally: just like shit.

Don't misunderstand, there are times when women just annoy the shit out of me. Of course, I am sure I annoy them also. It's part of the curse of having a high sexual dimorphism within a species: the differences cause friction. And let me be clear about this: I do not believe that women's studies is a legitimate academic discipline. Of course, I don't think many of the majors available are legitimate academic disciplines (see e.g. "Marxist studies," or "Recreation."). And I obviously believe that there are natural, inherent differences between the sexes, differences that go beyond the purely reproductive, and that examination of those differences is fertile ground for humor. If you are one of those who reject the idea of inborn differences between the sexes and claim that all differences are socially constructed, I can offer you nothing but a biology primer and my sympathies, because you are stupid.

You claim you are such a good writer, and your stuff is pretty funny, but why do you keep switching tenses in your stories? It drives me nuts.
I know, I know. The whole concept of tense in speech has always given me problems. In undergrad and law school, I never really took any creative writing or English courses; it was pretty much all econ, law, history, etc, so some of the basic things that most writers get right, I fail. Of course I could learn tenses, but I have never really made an effort to get it right for a reason: I want to write in my own voice, regardless of whether or not it is "correct" grammar or not. By switching tenses, I write the way I speak, and by alternating between past and present I put the reader into the story, instead of just recounting it.

Are you a player?
I am most decidedly NOT a player. A player is a guy whose only goal is to sleep with women for no other reason than sex, AND he will do anything to get laid, including lying, cheating, stealing, etc. Yes, I want to have sex with women I like and find attractive, but I don't lie to do it (at least not anymore). I usually begin conversations with women by telling them that I am an asshole and a bad person, and that they would probably be better off not talking to me. I am nothing if not honest. Even a cursory reading of this site will tell you this.

Are you always "on"?
For some reason, people think that because almost every inch of this page is funny, I am funny all the time. You wanna know what? It's much easier to be funny when you have time to rehearse. So to answer your question, no, I am not always "on." If you ever meet me, and expect me to be "on" all the time, you will be sorely disappointed. Although it is an almost certainty that I'm funnier than you are, and I am a lot of fun to go out drinking with, that's for damn sure. You pump some liquor in me and give me an audience, and you will get a show.

How many girls have you slept with?
Right, like I'm going to answer this. No way. Nothing good has ever come from me truthfully answering this question.

How big is your member/penis/cock/dick?
Not big enough to brag about.

Have you named your member/penis/cock/dick?
Yes. And there is no way I am telling you his name, unless you are a hot female, and you want to get to know him better. In that case, I'll tell you anything you want to hear, including how much I love you, how you are different than all the other girls, and how we will be together forever, etc.

What is in the Tucker Max Death Mix and in what portions?
I used to get this question at least 3-4 times a week. It's exactly like I say in The UT Weekend story: 1 can of Red Bull, 1 quart of Gatorade (there is no other flavor besides lemon-lime), and 1 pint of Everclear. I think. I don't fucking remember--why don't you dorks just go out and make your own to your liking instead of worrying about following directions. It's fucking alcohol and mixers for chrissake, how could you screw it up?

Were you in a fraternity in college, and if so, which fraternity were you in?
I went to the University of Chicago. The fraternities were, to put it kindly, a fucking joke. I still went to their parties, but I wasn't about to pay money to hang out with them in my free time. Had I gone somewhere like UVa or UT-Austin, I probably would have joined a frat.

Hey Tucker, I am moving to Chicago/New York/[insert city here] and want to know what bars you recommend. Will you give me a breakdown of the hot spots to go?
Why do people constantly email me with these questions, like I am some sort of fucking tour guide? I like the places I go drinking PRECISELY because there aren't many tools there. I am not going to tell the world and fuck them up.

Where can I get a copy of the Sex2K documentary that MTV did about you?
You can't, and please stop asking. I have a copy of it, and I may put it on my site in the future if I feel like it, but right now it would require more bandwidth than I can afford.

Where can I buy Belligerence and Debauchery and The Definitive Book of Pick-Up Lines?
You can't. They are out of print, on purpose. I took B&D out of print because it was nothing more than reprints of stories already on my site. I took The Definitive Book of Pick-Up Lines out of print because it was fairly amateurish, and I didn't want my name on it without substantially improving it. I think you can get these used in some places, but I would NOT recommend buying either. B&D is all on my site, and the pick-up line book is kinda crappy. Just go buy I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, it's awesome.

Is I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell just the same stories from your site?
No. I've said this countless times, but some people have problems listening. IHTSBIH is 27 stories, 12 of which are brand new and cannot be found anywhere except the book (about 150 pages of the 277 page book is new). And they aren't crappy stories either; several of the new ones rank up there with the best stuff I have ever written.

You aren't so great. I would be just as cool/famous/rich as you if I had a trust fund also.
I don't understand this comment. Where have I ever said I have a trust fund? Shit, I WISH I had a fucking trust fund; I would love it if I had enough Fuck You Money to tell all these studios and publishers to kiss my ass. The last time my parents gave me money was in college. I got a scholarship to law school, took out loans to pay for my living expenses, and ran up massive credit card debt to fuel my adventures (that I still haven't paid off). When I first put up my site I worked bullshit odd jobs to make enough money to live, and then once my site blew up and I put ads on it, now I make a pretty decent amount from that, and OK money from the book sales and other projects I have in the works. Everything I have, I earned through hard work and smart strategy. But seriously--if any of you know of any trust fund with my name on it, show me where it is. I'll even give you a finders fee.

Hey Tucker, can you help me with this problem, you see [insert lame ass high school/college issue].
Look people, I really do appreciate emails and feedback, but I do not have the time to personally answer the dozens of requests for help I get each day, especially the retarded relationship questions I get from 15 year olds. Beyond that, I am just some random dude who writes funny stories. Why do people ask me things like how to make enough money to afford medical care for their crippled sister (a real email I got)? If you insist on asking me for advice, then at least take the time to read my Advice Board first, it covers most of the things that I know enough to give advice about, like fucking, drinking, and writing.

How many STD's do you have/do you have AIDS? You MUST have a bunch because of all the sex you have.
This question always cracks me up. People, I am not going to get into a lecture about sexually transmitted diseases, but be careful who you believe. A lot of the info you find on this subject comes from sources with an agenda (e.g. religious groups, conservative abstinence groups, etc). But no, I do not have any STD's that I know of, and yes, I get tested regularly. It's actually pretty easy to avoid STD's if you just USE A FUCKING CONDOM. And tons of girls I fuck get tested after fucking me, and none has ever come up positive for anything. Well, unless you count pregnancy as an STD.

Are you an alcoholic?
Alcoholism is highly underrated.

Hey jerk, you didn't answer my question. What do I do now?
Why don't you go outside and play hide-and-go-fuck-yourself? Or you could email me at tuckermax@gmail.com. Whichever better suits your needs.