The questions I get most on this site revolve around writing. People ask me how to write, how they can write like me, how to get a career in writing, etc, etc.

I am a writer, I guess, but not in any traditional sense, so my advice should be taken with caution. I've never taken a creative writing class, never had any "formal" training in writing beyond six years of graduate and post-graduate academic papers and English classes, I do not hang out in writing circles, and don't have any plans on getting an MFA; all I've done is come out of nowhere to create one of the most popular sites on the internet, publish a New York Times Best Seller, get two TV deals, and option several stories as screenplays. Here is what I have learned in two+ years doing this full time:

1. If you want to be a writer, you should be a reader first: I read voraciously during my youth, and still read constantly. Reading teaches you structure, grammar, word usage and style; you can learn almost everything by example instead of by instruction if you just take the time to read. By reading as many different people you can, you learn about all the possible ways to communicate with the written word and you see what has been done and what is generally possible. Begin broad, but then find things that interest you. It doesn't matter if its cars or Dave Barry or books about eating shit, whatever it is you like to read about, there have been books written about it. Start reading stuff that you like. Humans have been on this planet learning and recording their findings in one form or another for over 10,000 years--benefit from that accumulated knowledge. The best way to learn to write, and to learn what style best suits you is to read everything you can.

2. Write what you know and what makes you comfortable: This isn't a universal law, but it is important for novice writers. Writing (the type I am talking about, i.e., not newspaper, magazine or academic writing), is about telling a story by expressing emotion and the commonality of the human experience through the written word. The best way for a novice writer to accomplish this is to use the natural emotional honesty that comes with writing about a topic that is dear to you and that you can understand and articulate.

3. Write in your own voice: The main problem with most writers is that they write in the style they "think" they are supposed to instead of their own style. To be a good writer you MUST write in your own voice. Take me for example: My style is not revolutionary, but it is somewhat unique; it is distinctly my voice, and you can often identify my work without first knowing it was me who wrote it. I'm obviously influenced by other writers; Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club), Dave Sedaris (Me Talk Pretty One Day), John Kennedy Toole (Confederacy of Dunces), Norman Maclean (A River Runs Through It), Cormac McCarthy (The Crossing) and PJ O'Rourke (All the Trouble In The World) were all very important to my development as a writer, but I don't imitate any of them. I take inspiration and some techniques from them, but ultimately I write in the way that is natural for me.

4. Get honest and capable critiques from other good writers: This is only supremely important to your development as a writer. If you have been around my site for since the beginning, you have seen my writing improve exponentially. This is because my friends are very good writers themselves and can read my stuff and make good suggestions. Even though most of them aren't as good a writer as I am, they can still offer trenchant criticism. It's like a quarterback watching game film with his offensive coordinator; even though the coordinator may not be able to do what the QB does on the field, he can still help the QB improve his game by pointing out flaws and giving instruction on fixing them.

5. Writers write: The best thing you can do to become a better writer is to write constantly. I never took a creative writing class or read any books on writing. I just wrote a lot, read a lot, and got feedback from smart honest people about my writing. Keep writing and definitely KEEP REVISING your writing. Every time I go back and read my stories I find something that can be made better or improved somehow.

I get a lot of people sending me their attempts at short stories, and to be honest, most of them suck. They suck for two reasons:

1. The story just isn't funny. I'm sure it was really hilarious that one time when you and Ray Ray got drunk on Bacardi Limon and yelled at the TV for three hours...TO YOU, BUT NOT TO ANYONE ELSE. There are just some things that are only contextually funny, or require so much background knowledge that they aren't funny to the non-insider. Some of the funniest things I say and do are too contextual to be put on the site. Just because something is funny to you doesn't mean that it is funny to everyone else. Ask yourself when writing: Would someone who doesn't know me or anyone involved find this funny?

2. The story is not written well. Most of the stories I receive fit into this category. There is a funny story in them, but it is struggling to get out of all the crap the writer has flooded it with. A general progression of tips:

a. Don't chronicle how much you drank. No one cares. Do you ever see me list exactly what I've had, or how much of it I drank or whatever? Not unless it's specifically related to the story or integral to the plot, like anytime I drink Everclear or absinthe.

b. Don't send me a story that just lists what you did, and assures me that it was hilarious. Great asshole, I wasn't there, so it's not funny to me just because you say so. You need to describe what happened and let me laugh on my own. Don't tell me, show me. Look at my stories--I rarely mention what makes me laugh, I usually just try to chronicle the funny events and let people laugh on their own.

c. God may be in the structure, but Jesus is in the details; provide funny ones or your story will suck. Don't tell me that someone is funny. Tell me what they say and show me what they do. If it's funny, the humor will show without your commentary. Bring the reader into the story with the details and the style; don't just tell the reader what happened and expect them to fill in the humor without showing them why. Take my 21st Birthday story as an example. By itself, that story isn't that great; I went out, got drunk, threw up in a bar bathroom, and passed out in my bathtub. But as it is written, it's a hilarious story. Why? Because I bring you into the bar when I'm drinking, I put at the table with me, I put you in my mind as I go from coherent to obliterated, and let you see what I see. Take just the bathroom scene. Yes, someone vomiting and pissing all over themselves is inherently funny, but that particular scene only works because I describe every little detail, and because every little detail adds to the absurdity, which is where the humor lies.

d. Don't bog the reader down with lots of useless details that don't move the story along. Every piece of info in the story must do one of two things: 1. Be funny, or 2. Be necessary to understand the story. No one wants to read a list of the alcohol you consume, unless you make the list funny, or work witticisms into the list. No one cares about all the bars you went to, unless it is relevant to the humor or plot of the story. Every sentence, in fact every word, must be important, and must be relevant somehow to the story.

A great example of this is in the book "A River Runs Through It" by Norman Maclean. The scene where the dad makes Norman write an essay, and then cut it in half, and then cut it in half again. That is an AWESOME exercise that I often did myself when I was younger, and it really helps you learn what is essential and what is not.

And of course, the question I get most is: "How can I write like you?"

The answer is simple: You can't. But you can, with practice, write like yourself. Here are the guidelines I use when I write my stories:

1. Be emotionally honest: Even stupid people can usually see through bullshit, and writing is no different. When you try and make yourself seem something that you aren't people will see it eventually, even in your writing. I often find myself at places thinking, "What should I put now?" and the answer to that is ALWAYS, "The complete truth, no matter how stupid or awful or cynical (or cool or awesome) it makes me look." For me, using the stark truth of my mind and my life works on many levels. It shocks the reader, because very seldom do people tell the truth, it endears the reader to me, because it gives them the sense they are in my head, it can repel the reader because they don't like what they see, but ultimately it makes the reader keep reading, because there is nothing more enthralling than true emotional honesty. Everyone at their core is a voyeur of some sort--when you open up and let people in, they will stop and look.

2. Characterization is key: The single best way to make people want to read your writing is to give them a stake in it; make them care about what happens. How do you that? By creating compelling and interesting characters. For me, I am my most interesting character, so it's pretty easy--I just write myself. Furthermore, my friends are all pretty fucked up in their own ways, so I just write them the way they are, and I've got interesting stuff. I think the key to being able to write good characters is not just having interesting people to model them after, but you as the writer must be very perceptive. You have to be able to look beneath the surface and get into the heads of the people you write about, because you can't let the reader in on something that you yourself don't understand.

3. Show don't tell: It is always better to show something than explain it. Rather than tell me that you picked up the girl, give me the dialogue. Chances are that the words you used are relevant to the story, develop the characters and help lead to a conclusion. Or, instead of saying, "I was Tucker Max Drunk," give an example of how drunk you were, "I was so drunk I thought the topiary was Calista Flockhart. My friends had no idea why I was was congratulating the shrubbery on dating Harrison Ford." That sentence does more to explain your mental state than any list of drinks imbibed.

4. Keep the writing as short and terse as possible: There is a reason no one actually reads David Foster Wallace. Being long winded for no reason sucks. In your stories, make sure that every word, every sentence, every paragraph, every character and every description is relevant to the story and moves it along. Although my stories are the complete truth, they are not everything about the truth; there is a difference. I leave out stuff that either isn't funny, isn't essential to the plot, or doesn't develop the characters. Remember--You are writing a story, not a forensic catalog of everything you did. I especially like to cut out description. People are going to picture the scene the way they want to anyway, might as well not waste words. Don't describe things unless it is necessary to the story. Of course, this is because I am not good at describing things; its just not how my mind works. If you have a great talent for description, then write stories that display it.

5. Sharp, realistic dialogue: I think this is the true strength of my writing, the ability to craft great dialogue. When you can convey the sense of being there, you are going to be a great story teller, and nothing gives the reader emotional intimacy like realistic dialogue. When you read words that sound like the words you or someone you know might say, or things that you have heard before, it brings the characters alive, gives the reader a stake in them and their outcome and draws them into the story. Furthermore, dialogue is a great way to show instead of telling. Instead of telling the reader you made fun of a girl, put in your words and her response. It gives the reader the ability to react to the incident instead of a description of the incident.

6. Use ellipses, spacing, paragraphs to create a sense of timing: Appropriate timing is hard to create with the written word. Read my stories---I do it with the above stated devices. I try to give the reader the sense that I am in the room, telling them the story as if they were a close friend.

7. When in doubt, make fun of fat girls: Every comedian has his fall back joke or position, and mine is making fun of fat girls. Its just so easy and so much fun, and there are so many ways to do it, I can't help myself. Besides, if I inspire one girl to lose weight, I've made the world a better place. And made it easier for the rest of us to get to the buffet.

An example of what NOT to do:

If you are reading this part of the site, I am assuming you've read and enjoyed the stories. Well, I did not start off writing like this. In fact, my early attempts at writing really sucked, and I thought I'd throw this up as a way to encourage you. I wrote this in 2001. It was my first serious attempt at fiction writing. You can tell I have talent, but you can also tell I am not writing in my authentic voice, and the text is forced. Plus, it kinda sucks. When I read this, I literally wince. It pains me to see where I started. Pretty much every laugh out loud line in there is unintentionally funny:

Chapter 1 of the aborted novel

To me this story displays some of the most common flaws of new writers:

1. Terribly overwritten
2. Too much explaining, not enough showing
3. Talks down to the reader
4. Written in a style the author thinks he "supposed" to write in, not in his real voice

Now read this one: Horny Girl Joanne

This is my second attempt at fiction writing. It is better, but not by much. It's the last attempt I made at fiction writing before I finally gave it up and started just putting up the emails I would write my friends. The first one I wrote? The Sushi Pants Story.

Just be true to your own voice, and it really is that easy.