Hilarity Ensues In Stores

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Frequently Asked Questions

I get the same questions over and over, so I have answered as many of them as possible here. Some of these questions are really, really stupid, but they get asked a lot and it’s easier to just answer them here:

When is your next book out?

My third book, Hilarity Ensues, is out, you can get it from Amazon or B&N.  My fourth book, Sloppy Seconds is also out, and you can either get the ebook for free (on Amazon or iBooks), or you can buy a hard cover (from my site or Amazon).

Are you really retired from fratire?
Yes, I retired from writing anymore fratire books after the publication of Hilarity Ensues and Sloppy Seconds. I wrote about this extensively here. But I am still writing, I have a personal blog and an advice blog.

Will you sign my book for me?
Yes, you can order a signed book from me, here. Or you can mail me your book to sign, instructions here.

Where can I buy Belligerence and Debauchery and The Definitive Book of Pick-Up Lines?
You can’t. I took them out of print. I took B&D out of print because it was nothing more than reprints of stories already on my site. I took The Definitive Book of Pick-Up Lines out of print because it was fairly amateurish, and I didn’t want my name on it without substantially improving it. You can buy them used, but I would NOT recommend it–they are both self-published, and aren’t very good. They’re not “real” books.

Are the books just the same stories from your site?
Nope. IHTSBIH is 48 total stories, about 50-60% of which are new. AFF has even more new material, like 80-90% new. Hilarity Ensues is also about 90% new material. If you want to preview some of the books before you buy them, just read the stories on this site, or get the whole free ebook, Sloppy Seconds  (on Amazon or iBooks).

Did you really play basketball with Obama in undergrad?
Yes, I talk about this here.

How did the site start?
The site originally started in law school as a bet. My friends bet me I wouldn’t put up a website where girls could fill out an application to go on a date with me. I put the site up and won the bet (which led to the fat girl story in IHTSBIH). I took the site down in 2001 when we graduated from law school and went to different cities for our jobs. We kept sending emails to each other about all the dumb, funny things we did. Mine were pretty funny, and I hated working stupid corporate jobs, so I decided to try to write full time, and ended up posting my stories on a website. From there, everything kinda blew up.

How did you get your book deal? Can you help me with my writing?
I sent my stories to every publisher and agent in the business in 2001, before I put up my site, and got rejected by every one. So I put up my stories on a website, it blew up, and all those same publishers came back to me to publish my book. The easiest way to get a book deal is to be popular already. And the easiest way to do that is to have a popular website. And the easiest way to that do is to write something really good. Which is hard. Read what I wrote about this on Tim Ferriss’ blog.

What does your family think about what you do?
I don’t really care one way or the other, because it is my life, not theirs. But if my family isn’t proud of having a #1 best selling author in the family, they have their own problems they need to deal with.

What’s a typical day for you?
Pretty normal, except for the fact that I don’t sell my soul at some awful job I hate. I get up, have breakfast, walk my dog, watch TV, do some writing, work out–very normal. As much as people would like to imagine, my life is not a non-stop, 24-hour orgy of debauchery. When I do it up, I do it right, but that’s only in spurts. 99% of the time, I’m just like everyone else.

What is your job? Do you work as a lawyer?
I’ve written two best-selling books–which makes me an author. I wrote a movie–which makes me a screenwriter. I produced that movie as well–which makes me a movie producer. I run the business around my site and brand–which makes me an entrepreneur. Take your pick as to which title you want to slap on me. What I don’t do is practice law, because I don’t hate myself.

If you aren’t working as a lawyer, why did you go to law school and get your JD?
I made a mistake going to law school. Why do you do anything when you are young? Stupidity, stubbornness, lack of wisdom. I thought I wanted to be a lawyer, but I had no idea what it meant to be a lawyer. All I knew was that people spoke reverently of lawyers, that everyone said that being a lawyer meant you were a success, etc, etc. Like all idiotic college kids, I wanted status without having to actually do anything to get it. Law school seemed the easiest route. I didn’t know that you had to give up your soul to work in that field, but when I learned that fact, I opted out of the legal profession.

Should I get my JD? What is your advice for someone thinking about going into law school?
Do you want to waste three years of your life debating stupid and utterly irrelevant minutia? Then yes, get your JD. Do you want to get a degree that allows you work the rest of your life in a tedious, shitty, unrewarding job? Then yes, get your JD. Are you a boring, facile, socially retarded whore, desperate for the illusion of money and success, regardless of the cost to your life and the lives of those you love? Then yes, get your JD. Do you want to squander your existence sitting in a lifeless office, churning out ultimately meaningless paperwork? Then yes, get your JD. Listen to me people: There is a reason that lawyers have the LOWEST job satisfaction of any profession in America. THE JOB SUCKS. It is horrible. I wrote even more about this here.

Are you always “on”?
For some reason, people think that because almost every inch of my book is funny, I am funny all the time. That’s just not the case. The stories are very funny slices of my life, edited so all the boring parts are removed. So to answer your question, no, I am not always “on.” If you ever meet me, and expect me to be “on” all the time, you will be sorely disappointed.

I’m a woman and I love your writing, I’m probably your only female fan, isn’t that exciting/crazy/amazing/etc?
No. Contrary to what sheltered and naive people may think, it’s very possible for women to not only like reading about sex and drinking and hooking up, they can also like doing it in real life! The fact is, about half my fans are women, of all ages from 14 to 44. How do I know this? Well, over half the people who show  up at book signings are women, and Facebook and Twitter analytics tell me that about 52% of my followers on those sites are women.

Some people think you hate women. Do you agree?
Of course not; quite the opposite, I love women. Everything I do is to impress women. Without women, I wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning. Plus, HALF my fans are women. If I hated women, all those millions of women wouldn’t like me, nor should they. The people who think I hate women or call me misogynist are the ones who haven’t read or engaged my writing, and are just looking for a bogeyman to attack.

Don’t you think your writing is very anti-woman?
No, not in the least. This always confuses me. For fucks sake, I originally put up a page dedicated to getting a date; how is that anti-woman? How in hell does that imply I hate women? I hate a lot of things, (stupid people and Duke basketball, for instance) but nowhere on that list is women. I LOVE women. Now, do I treat some individual women like shit sometimes? Yes, but it doesn’t mean I hate women as a group. I treat people as individuals, both men and women, which is the very definition of NOT being sexist.

Is “Tucker Max” your real name?
Yes. It’s my real name, given to me by my parents at birth.

How big is your penis?
Not big enough to brag about.

How many women have you slept with?
I have no idea. I truly have no idea what the number is. I don’t keep count. If you’re a guy and have slept with more than 30 or so women and you know your exact number, that is fucking weird.

What’s the sexiest thing a woman can do to show you she’s interested?
That’s a hard question. I like women who are upfront, but so many women interpret that to mean “obnoxious,” which I hate. I like women who are fun and outgoing, but so many women interpret that to be “loud and annoying,” which I hate. I like women who are smart, but most people vastly overestimate their intelligence, which I hate. If you’re a woman and you want to show me you’re interested, the best thing to do is just be forward about it, and come talk to me like a normal person. If I find you attractive, believe me, I will take the bait and pursue you back. I’m not shy about that.

Will you ever marry a nice girl, have kids, and settle down?
Of course. I almost did, in 2009. I dated a nurse in LA, I loved her very much, and I was committed and monogamous the whole time. After about 8 months, it came time to really commit or to move on. I wasn’t quite ready, and we didn’t quite fit in every way I thought we should, so we broke up, but I did love her very much. I will definitely end up getting married and having kids at some point, probably sooner rather than later.

How long do you plan on doing this?
Writing fratire? I already quit. Writing period? As long as I want to; that’s the benefit of selling lots of books, you get rich and get to do what you want. You can follow my new writing here.

What is in the Tucker Max Death Mix and in what portions?
It’s exactly like I say in “The UT Weekend” story: 1 can of Red Bull, 1 quart of Gatorade (there is no other flavor besides lemon-lime), and 1 pint of Everclear. I think. I don’t fucking remember–why don’t you just go out and make your own to your liking instead of worrying about following directions. It’s fucking alcohol and mixers for chrissake, how could you screw it up?

Were you in a fraternity in college, and if so, which fraternity were you in?
I went to the University of Chicago. The fraternities there were, to put it kindly, a fucking joke. I still went to their parties, but I wasn’t about to pay money to hang out with them. Had I gone somewhere like Virginia or Texas or Georgia, I probably would have joined a frat.

What kind of music are you into?
Hardcore gangster rap, and little else. I’m totally serious. Everything from Slim Thug to Eminem to Paul Wall to 2 Live Crew. I grew up playing basketball everyday on some poor courts, and even though I left the game, I never left the music.

Are you an alcoholic?
Not even close.

Where are you from?
I was born in Atlanta, Georgia. My mom was a flight attendant when I was little, so I traveled a lot and lived in places like London, England, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, and Washington DC, but I lived in Lexington, KY from age 8 to 16, which pretty much makes it my hometown.

Where do you live now?
As of October 2009, I am a resident of Austin, TX. I can live pretty much anywhere I want, and I picked Austin because I like it as much or more than pretty much any other city in America.

How do you get through your hangovers?

Hangovers are a result of acute alcohol withdrawal combined with dehydration. You can combat dehydration very simply: Drink water. Maybe something with electrolytes, like Sport Tea. The acute alcohol withdrawal is a bit harder to deal with, I like to just eat a big greasy breakfast. It’s not just urban legend; believe it or not there is a lot of science supporting the idea that it works.

Hey asshole, you didn’t answer my question. What do I do now?
Why don’t you go outside and play hide-and-go-fuck-yourself? Or you could email me and ask it. Whichever better suits your needs.

Are you on Facebook, Twitter, etc?
There are a lot of ways to stay up-to-date and follow what I’m doing–FacebookTwitterGoogle+email.

Sub-Section: Answering the lies, gossip and innuendo
Over the past few years, there has been a rise in the number of people who lie, slander and defame me on the internet (well, me and everyone else who’s famous). This is not completely unexpected; success brings attention, and attention brings haters (especially on the internet). At the beginning, I mostly just ignored the haters, not only because they were idiotic trolls, but because their lies were so ridiculous I didn’t even think I needed to respond to them.

That sort of strategy–not even dignifying the preposterous slander with a response–used to work in the 20th century when there were relatively few media outlets, because the trolls didn’t have a way to reach people. The 21st century world is not like that anymore. Now anyone can make their voice heard, no matter how right or wrong they are. And because of linking and Google and anonymous message boards, people can find the writing of kooks. There is no gatekeeper, no barrier for truth, no objective clearinghouse of information and thus no way for someone to find out the validity of the varying sources.

Because of this, the response strategy to negative gossip has to change: Instead of ignoring them, I think the best thing to do is bring the lies to light, then give the necessary information to answer them and dismiss them. The best example of this is what President Obama did during the election. Obama’s campaign found that lies and smears can only exist where there is a vacuum of information about the real truth, and showed that if you have nothing to hide and are completely transparent with the truth, it will kill the power of lies and rumor. So I’m going to stop ignoring the lies and half-truths and bullshit that is spread about me, and instead bring it to light so everyone can see how ridiculous it is:

Are all these stories true? Do you exaggerate to improve them?
Again, for the record: Yes, they are all true recollections of the events as I best remember them. I do not write fiction, and all these things happened to me.

Granted, these stories are not perfect forensic accounts of everything that happens to me all the time. I’m writing stories, not police reports. P.J. O’Rourke said it best, “Humor is more truthful than it is factual.” They are my best recollections of events that occur to me, edited down to the best, most entertaining parts. I might get inconsequential details here and there wrong, and sometimes I have to intentionally change details to avoid jail or hide someone’s identity, but the basic facts are all completely true.

What confuses me about people who doubt the veracity of my stories is nothing about these stories seems that unbelievable to me. If you spent any part of your youth going out, getting drunk and hooking up, you’ve had a ton of things like what I write about happen to you. I’ve never met anyone cool who didn’t have many stories just like mine, if not more.

Beyond that how would I ever make these things up? Remember–when I started writing this stuff it was 2002, the fratire genre did not exist. I invented it (by accident, admittedly). NO ONE gave a shit about this type of writing because no one thought it would sell. The idea that I not only made up these stories, I did it with such foresight as to invent a new genre in the process is just kooky in the extreme. To say I made these stories up is to essentially say I am smart enough to predict the future, which would make me quite literally the smartest person to ever live. I think I’m fucking brilliant, and I don’t even think I’m that smart.

How can I know these stories are true?
You mean, aside from the fact that they are very easily believable? Or aside from the fact that is it ridiculous on the level of the 9/11 conspiracy theorists to think that I somehow invented a new genre of literature so I could make up very common drinking stories about myself? Or aside from the fact that it would be nearly impossible for me to juggle this whole edifice if it were all lies? You’re asking how, aside from those obvious facts, how ELSE can you know they are true?

Well, anything that can be checked out about me, will check out. The schools I claim I went to, I attended. The places I say I’ve lived, I lived. The people I claim to have interacted with, I have, etc, etc. I have a ton of pictures of all kinds of various aspects of the stories, in both books and on this website, that confirm all number of things.

Beyond that, I have been profiled in literally every single major media outlet in the country at one point or another; NY Times, LA Times, Boston Globe, etc, etc, it’s all on the press page. They’ve all asked me about this, I’ve provided all of them with whatever evidence they asked for, and its always checked out. If anything was fake about me, one of these media outlets would have uncovered it by now and taken pleasure in reporting it.

And beyond that–I’ve been sued twice, both cases involving issues of truth about what I’ve published on my website. And I’ve won both cases outright. If I was lying–about ANYTHING–I would not have won those court cases.

That fact is, it’s impossible to DISPROVE any of what I say. You know why? Because it’s all true.

How do you  get into these  crazy situations? I didn’t think people can do what you do.
Again, none of this seemed all that crazy to me when I started writing it. Shit, most of these stories started as emails to my friends, and none of them thought any of these situations were all that outlandish–it was what we always did.

My friends can go story for story with me; shit, a lot of them are way crazier than me. The only difference between me and any number of other people is that I am just the first guy who wrote all of this down. I think pretty much anyone who spends their late teens and early twenties going out drinking, hanging out with friends and hooking up has at least some stories like mine. If you don’t have any stories like mine, it probably means you are either very young and haven’t partied much, or it means you are a huge fucking loser and have never done anything cool in your life. If you don’t know anyone like me and my friends, then your life must be very boring, and I recommend you leave your nerdhole and go out and meet people in real life and interact with them.

Something to remember when reading what the trolls write about me is that most people cannot conceive of a reality outside their own experience. If they can’t see themselves doing it, they can’t believe anyone else can do it. So when some jealous anti-social loser reads my stuff, sometimes he will react in disbelief because he can’t imagine himself interacting with people in a way that doesn’t suck.

How do you do all this shit and not get into fights?
Who says I don’t get into fights? Read “The Night We Almost Died” story in IHTSBIH. Remember, I don’t write about every single thing that happens to me, only the stuff that is funny enough to be interesting to people who don’t know me. Most fights aren’t funny, they’re just lame, especially bar fights.

How can you remember all the things that happen to you?
I never understand this question, it’s like someone asking me, “How do you keep your head attached to your body?” Who doesn’t remember the things that happen to them? Seriously, if you are too fucking stupid to remember the things that happen to you in your life, then I’m not even sure how you can read at all.

And seriously–why did no one ask these stupid questions of Hunter S. Thompson? Or Charles Bukowski? Those two did a SHIT LOAD more drugs and drinking than I ever could, yet they can remember basic shit, but I can’t? Look at Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. How he didn’t die is a shock to me, forget remembering things.

I do use one thing to help me sometimes: I have a voice recorder, and I use it liberally when I’m out drinking. When I say something funny or I want to remember something, I’ll talk into it and record the funny things I do or say, so that I can write about them later. I DON’T set up a voice recorder and record everything I say like some sort of fucking weirdo, but I do record big moments or funny lines to help my memory. Or I call my friends the next day and they fill me in or what I forgot. Or I just fucking remember it, it’s really not that hard.

No one can drink as much as you and not be a huge fatass and/or a massive alcoholic.
First off, I don’t ever talk about specifically how much I drink, except to reference specific instances. And usually if I catalog my drinking, it’s only to give the story some context.

Second, you have to remember that I only write about my craziest or funniest nights out. There are no stories about my average nights. Why? Because they aren’t funny, so who fucking cares? Most nights I do the same shit everyone else does.

Beyond that, I think this pretty much falls under the “if someone can’t see themselves doing it, they can’t believe it being done” category. If you don’t know people who drink and party a lot and still look good…then I just feel sorry for you. You live a sheltered life. And if you drink a lot but can’t stop from being fat, you might want to try this thing called exercise. Works for lots of other people besides just me.

I heard you had a trust fund. I would be just as cool/famous if I had a trust fund.
I WISH I had a fucking trust fund; I would love it if I had enough Fuck You Money to be able to finance my own projects. The last time my parents gave me money was in college, and they did not give me much. I got a scholarship to law school, took out loans to pay for my living expenses, and ran up massive credit card debt to fuel my adventures (that I still haven’t paid off). When I first put up my site I lived off savings, then that ran out and I worked bullshit odd jobs to make enough money to live, and then once my site blew up and I put ads on it, now I make a pretty decent amount from that, and decent money from the book sales and other projects I have in the works. The best, hardest partying time I had in my life was when I was dead broke, and everything I have earned since, I got through hard work, smart decisions, and a little luck. If you think money is necessary to do anything I do, you are just looking for excuses for your failures.

How many STD’s do you have? You MUST have a bunch.
This question always cracks me up. I am not going to get into a lecture about sexually transmitted diseases, but be careful who you believe. Most of the info you find on this subject comes from sources with an agenda that is little more than them trying to control you and tell you what to do (e.g. religious groups, conservative abstinence groups, etc).

To answer the question, I do not have any STD’s that I know of, and yes, I get tested regularly. It’s actually pretty easy to avoid STD’s if you just USE A FUCKING CONDOM.

What about your relationship with Bunny? Did she really write thing about what an awful boyfriend you are?
Yes, she did, and she wrote it when we were in the process of breaking up and she was very pissed off at me. Bunny and I have had a long and complicated relationship, but I think it can all be summed up by looking at where we are now: Best friends. I consider Bunny one of my best friends on earth, an incredibly important person to me, and vice versa. This is what she says about it:

“Tucker has some problems, obviously, and he can be a dick. He can be thoughtless, hyper-controlling and, at times, full-on cruel…Tucker can also be incredibly supportive. No one believes in me, motivates, or inspires me as much as he does, and that shit is priceless. Tell me how many people you’ve got like that in your life. If you say more than one, you’re lying. People who go out into the world and attack it the way he does are really rare, and I’m lucky to have befriended one of them.”

What happened to you on Opie and Anthony?
When I went on their show, they had never heard of me or read my book. I told a couple stories, and they didn’t believe them–not because of any evidence one way or the other, just because they are shock jocks and calling bullshit is what they do. But not really, because calling bullshit normally means saying it to a persons face. Instead of doing that, they cut my earphones and said shit about me that I couldn’t hear. Even though I was in their studio, and their huge bodyguard was in the room, they were still too cowardly to call me a liar to my face. Everything negative they said was when my earphones were cut, and everything they did, like tearing up my book, was after I left. I knew they were being dipshits when I was there, but I had no idea they were calling me a liar until I left the studio and saw the video. I know that’s what shock jocks do, but still–when Howard Stern talks shit about someone, he does it to the persons face. I don’t know why O&A are too cowardly to do what Stern does, but whatever. That’s their issue, not mine.

I heard you beat some girl up/hit some dude/raped a mime/did something bad?
There are so many of these types of rumors out there, I can’t address them specifically, so let me cover them all at once: A rumor is a statement that is unsubstantiated by a fact. Generally because it’s not true. Don’t you think if I had actually assaulted someone–anyone–I would have been arrested and/or charged? Considering that hasn’t happened, then that should pretty much answer all those rumors.

I read on some site about how everything Tucker said was a lie. What about that?
I have tried to hit the major ones, but I can’t answer every lie or half-truth piece of bullshit everyone on the internet writes about me; most of them are so ridiculous they are laughable, and others aren’t even answerable other than to deny them because they are just completely fabricated.

Whenever you see some ridiculous claim on the internet about me, just ask yourself, “Who is the person writing this? Why are they spending time on this subject? What motivation do they have to take this position? Do they seem even the least bit plausible or credible? What evidence do THEY offer about the claims they are making”?

95% of the attacks on me are either transparently ridiculous or intentionally misconstrued to suit some psychological need of the person posting it. And I have NEVER seen one that offered a shred of proof of its own, aside from bald, unsupported assertions and false assumptions. Disturbed people are all over the internet, and irrational hating is just part of who they are–it’s not limited to me by any stretch, all celebs deal with this in some form or another. Normal, healthy, successful people don’t spend hours hating on other people in comments sections of random sites. They live their own lives.

Make no mistake about it: Normal people can dislike me without being a liar or crazy. That’s the thing that confuses me the most; not only are the lies about me stupid, you don’t need to believe them to dislike me. If you want to hate me for a legit reason, I give you plenty of reasons. The fact that these crazies have to make shit up about me says more about them than about me.

Well, it does say one thing about me. It says that I am important enough for them to spend their time hating me, which I have to admit, I kinda like. Attention–even negative attention–is most important currency in the entertainment business. For that, I have to thank the haters. Say whatever you want about me, just make sure you keep talking.